You can't take drugs in the morning on Christmas. You have to think of another solution.
>> Thursday, December 25, 2008
So.....Christmas. That's always fun. This year I was trying to meet boyfriend halfway by being enthusiastic about spending Christmas with his family...although really, I was trying to be enthusiastic about Christmas occurring in my life at all. If I had never had a Christmas before, I would have surmised from my experience with his family that it is mildly awkward yet a very nice gesture and attempt at vocalizing your emotions for people who you love. However, I have had many Christmases, and mine are always "Horrible summary of horrible year," or "This is how much worse it could be" in terms of takeaway.
I realize that this could be perceived as melodramatic, but I think that your perception of things is based on how sensitive you are to what's actually going on. Of course, "what's actually going on" is a completely subjective experience you're having...but for the purposes of this, lets say that is directly proportional to the amount of intelligence divided by insanity that you bring to your life. I would say, 80/20. So you're 80 percent accurate of your assessment of any situation, and you move ahead with that assumption. Then let's say you're 50 percent more sensitive to any given situation's inner dynamics than person X.
Using this equation, my assessment that Christmases in my family are horrible and painful is at least 65 percent accurate. Based on cross referenced input from other people, I can reasonably assume that my perception of what's going on is probably accurate, from my perspective, at about 80 percent or so. Of course, this is all subjective, but as an individual, I can only offer a fully developed understanding of my own view. I think that's all of our responsibilities...if we could just develop a fully conceived and well articulated view of our own positions, we would be able to communicate fully.
Anyway....my therapist says that I overintellectualize my emotions when I'm feeling threatened or hurt. So, that's obvious.
My brother lost his CDL license falling off the wagon one night 2 weeks ago. My older brother is in rehab. My mother is a perpetual child. In other news, in response to my question today, "Is older brother less crazy now that he's been in rehab for 3 months?"...little brother said, "Listen K...you have to think of addiction like a knot. The knot takes more than three months to untie. Right now, older brother has loosened the knot slightly, but everything is still tangled and unexplainable inside him...he has to spend more time thinking and talking with people about what he's feeling, or else he will remain crazy and detached from the rest of us. If he was to quit now, there would still be 9 months worth of knot to untie...how can you function in the world like that? You can't. And that's why people get addicted again. He has to stay there until the whole thing is untied, and he can look at it and use all those emotions again. They're no good now all tied up."
Little brother is 50 percent more insightful and more intelligent than I am, but he is also 50 percent less socially functional. Genetics are funny that way.
