Alright

So, I'm kind of freaking out about my life plan right now. I think more so than usual because I had a complete lapse over the weekend and failed to take care of myself. I am also relatively certain that when I drink excessively, I plummet into the panicky state of depression I was in yesterday. It seems fair to see a correlation there at least.

I guess I just feel like I'm stalled in one place, doing nothing, taking on no new challenges. Most people would be happy that their jobs demanded so little of them, but clearly....I am unhappy with both extremes--working all the time and having no work at all. Which is part of being in this field....it's cyclical.

Then I start thinking "oh if you're unhappy, why is that? maybe it's because everything you thought was good in your life you'll eventually look back on and realize was a gigantic mistake/failure" Which makes me really anxious and makes me feel like i have these brief moments of sanity interspersed with oblivious craziness....and that 90% of my life is me being stupid and not understanding these obvious problems, and then the 10% mental breakdowns are what's REALLY true. But I hate the 10% times....I would almost rather be oblivious and make mistakes than be always right, but always miserable. So then I get more confused and depressed.

Anyway...I am making the executive decision that an MBA is the wrong way to go. The market is saturated with jerkoff MBAs right now, and honestly I can't stomach the idea of paying $90,000 just to be put in contact with people who I will have to lick and follow around like a little dog in a down jacket for the rest of my life. I think that what I should do instead is get an MA in social/org psychology like I wanted....which will cost less and eventually take me to the same place, plus be independently interesting for me. IN ADDITION.....Papagayo was telling me that if I get a job at Columbia like he has, I can go to school for free. So what I need to do is apply for a new job, take on more interesting responsibilities at my current job, talk to my HR department now and see if I can start taking classes independently this summer.

Overall...I am just terrified that I'm not thinking clearly and that everyone around me is smirking at all the hilariously obvious mistakes I'm making. And then I remember what I always tell little brother, which is "yeah, but you know you're paranoid....so you should probably remember that when you start thinking these things."