Post some fucking cats!!1

Lately I've been having some really intense mood swings, which if you're a glass half full kind of person is better than what I *had* been experiencing: one, consistent mood called depression. I have no idea why I'm feeling this way---one day I'm ecstatic, the next day I'm lying on my bed looking at the wall. I thought it might be my birth control, but I think the much more likely candidate is the fact that I haven't had a drink for the past...five days. You see, on Saturday, I was laying on the couch exhausted after having been outside all day, and it suddenly occurred to me that if I keep drinking at the pace I currently am, I will eventually die from it.

This goes along with having just recently resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to Be Alive for much longer than I had originally planned for. Hence, the flurry of job applications and GED questions and what have you. However, "Drink until you feel better" being the plan I had decided to go with, I really am just sitting here now blinking retardedly in the sunlight trying to figure out what to do with my time.

Since I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, I swing back and forth from one extreme to the other. "This is a great idea!" "That idea is just a continuation of the hundreds of stupid ideas you've had before!" It's exhausting, but obviously not exhausting enough because I am still seized with anxiety around 8pm, wondering how I am going to endure my own tedious state of consciousness.

It's really very complicated. I was going to make a table to illustrate my thoughts, but that seems really complicated. *Seems* as in I tried it and I dont' feel like coding the HTML right now. Hey it's summer--I thought we were lightening up here?

Thought: You're getting married!

Happy self Yay! I love boyfriend he is the greatest! We are perfect for each other and I am really excited! I can’t think of anyone else I’d want to spend my life with!

Depressed self Ha! You are so stupid! Funny how you can actually witness yourself making THE decision you will come regret years from now, and yet YOU CONTINUE TO DO NOTHING ABOUT IT.


Thought: You are applying for a new job!

Happy self How exciting! I can’t wait to take on new challenges in an environment that’s different from this one. It will be nice to be intellectually challenged at least.

Depressed self Too bad no one will ever respond to the resumes you send out. The only way you’re getting out of your current job is when they fire you in January, when the economy completely tanks. So look forward to plenty of alone time then.


Thought: You are going back to school!

Happy self This will be interesting—I always said I’d never go back to school. But I feel more mature and able to handle it now. I think I can really get something out of it and move myself up to a level where I’m no one questions my ability to schedule a phone call.

Depressed self One day in academia and you’ll be CRYING for your boring corporate job. You’re going to have to start over completely, and then you’ll end up just as unhappy as you are now! It’s really ironic that you’re even bothering, although it’s kind of funny to watch you flail about helplessly.


Thought: You are trying to quit drinking so much!

Happy self Hey, I haven’t hung out with my sober self in like 10 years….how are you sober self? You seem very nice and friendly…why would anyone try to stifle you with alcohol? I really don’t get much out of drinking anyway….I have already learned how to interact with others.

Depressed self Not drinking so much TODAY, but next week/month/year you’ll be right back where you started from…because without alcohol the minutes tick away in painful succession and the anxiety continues to BUILD, folding in on itself until you feel completely insane and then its back to the same old shit. Hey good luck though...nice effort.


Thought: Cats are great!

Happy self What an excellent point!

Depressed self Grudgingly accepted.

***

Anyway, I have no idea who is right and who is wrong. I have an inkling that whatever I decide to do turns into the right thing....as I always say to boyfriend, you can't really regret the decisions you've made, because they were necessary to get you where you are today. Greeting cards and people on TV keep telling me that life is a journey...so it makes sense that you just pick what you think is best and it will all work out ok eventually. It seems more fun that way anyway.

I'm trying to think of it like, look at the people around me. They've obviously had lives and jobs and are now working where I work. I could easily dick around for another 10 years and come right back here where I started. No hard feelings, nothing to worry about...just a whole bunch of "Hot air ballooning around the world" to regale my younger colleagues with. I guess I'm just not that enthusiastic about "giving it my best shot."