Married sex

Rather than plunging ahead into the waters of TMI I think I will just dip a little toe in by saying that there are both intangible and tangible benefits to getting engaged and getting married---at least, for me....so far.

The intangible ones are the things most people my age often scornfully question me about...like "why do you need a piece of paper or a rock on a metal band if you really love each other?" I'm not really sure...and maybe some people don't...but it turns out I do. Maybe I'm locked within the confines of a culturally expected institution, or maybe I'm just incredibly insecure. Maybe I fold and unfold the embossed piece of paper everyday, stroking its supple contours and congratulating myself on finally succeeding.

The truth is, something definitely changed between us once we got engaged. We started really listening to each other and trying to do our absolute best in every situation...not just use the other one to test out the boundaries of human patience vs. the human fear of being alone. And, being as marriage was infinitely more terrifying than being engaged, you would assume that there would be a respectively higher pay off. At least, this is the kind of fairness that I demand out of life.

After getting married, there was the initial period of shock and exhaustion in which all we could do was weakly smile at each other and sit tentatively close together as we quietly contemplated what we had just done with our lives. There was a deluge of new material that needed to be sorted and arranged within our brains--not the least of which was grappling with the reality that we had just made a sort of old school blood pact with one another.

Few things in my life are infused with that level of seriousness or finality. Perhaps it's by my own choosing that "nothing in my life means anything," and that most events pass by with a shrug and some blandishments about relativity. It is totally unnerving to take a real step forward in life, be it losing your virginity or getting married or whatever. It feels simultaneously easy and terrifying...like stepping off the train platform.

At the same time, it has somehow opened up a whole silent glimmering world that I didn't know existed...in which C and I are able to interact by micrometers, rather than as if we were pressed against the exigencies of a relationship of questionable longevity. We are able to make small improvements--the kind of thing you don't have the luxury of doing when you're wondering if you even want to bother spending another day with a person.

So there are intangible aspects to putting your relationship into the context of a lifetime. But getting back to the subject of this post, there are also tangible benefits that manifest themselves seemingly over night. One of these is sex; it's just better now that there's this background of commitment and trust. It seems obvious doesn't it? This is one of the things I'm betting on...that if you put rationality, thoughtfulness, and an honest desire to listen and provide for the other person...you will get something good in return. It's not the most scintillating thing I've ever said about sex, but I think it's a less frustrated, more peaceful one.